I never get to be spiteful. I never get to just say “fuck you” to the people that screw me over. Why? Because I’m a nice fucking guy. I put myself out there for people and in the end they get what they want and then they leave. And what does Jon get? Jon gets diddly shit. Jon gets tossed aside like a broken toy or an old book. Maybe you’ll pick it up later but for how long? Five minutes?Ten? Then it’s back in the gutter for me! Well fuck that. And fuck all of you who think I’m gonna put up with it anymore. There’s only one person in this entire world who gets special treatment by me and she fucking deserves it. So if you’ve fucked me over in the past or you’re about to, you better watch your fucking back because I’m not going to be nice anymore. You fuck me over, I’m going to ruin your goddamn life.
I haven’t had to use this in a long time. But it makes me feel like someone is listening.
I’m not happy.
In fact I hate life.
I tried to be happy.
But I always end up messing it up somehow. I wind up alone typing out my thoughts to a computer because I don’t have anyone in my life that I can talk to.
I was fine before. I was alone and miserable and I hated life. So I was living dangerously and carelessly. Nothing bothered me because I was already dead inside.
But then I started caring. I put everything I had into someone who didn’t feel the same way.
I felt like it was meant to be and that maybe someday I’d finally feel like someone legitimately cared about me and loved me.
But just because I cared doesn’t mean I’d changed.
I was careless and dumb.
I ruined the best thing in my life.
Then I ruined it again by letting myself have regrets instead of forcing myself to move on.
So I’ve ended up here. Talking to a computer. Writing down my thoughts and feelings once again because I don’t know what else to do or where else to go.
And I’ve never felt more alone.